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The Waves of Change: Dealing with Pain

Happy 2019!

As with any new year, I'm sure you are expectant of hope and possibilities. Excited about about what is to come, leaving behind the perils and challenges of 2018. A new year brings a new start for some, or a continuation of what already begun in the previous years for others. Wherever you are in life, I wish you the very best all send you positive energy for an amazing 2019.

Upon much reflection, one thing I realize I struggle with is change. Which is funny because in the work I do, it is all about change. I had a huge blind spot in seeing my own resistance to change. I am a planner, a doer, I like to strategize and figure things out. When it comes to my personal life, I love to do these things and I am absolutely devastated when things don't work out. I replay in my mind over and over where I went wrong, what I could have done to make things work. I internalize the failure. I feel like a failure, it is hard for me to seperate the event from my own personal self worth. It leads me to spiral and trying to grasp on to what I know to be true to redeem myself, to stop the fall, to mitigate the failure. 2018 was a beautiful year professionally for me. Soul and Story bloomed, I got accepted into grad school, I was able to work in Nairobi, Kenya and I was handed opportunities that I had been working and hoping for. Personally, was an utter failure (or so I thought). I came face to face with rejection and failure... and boy, did they have it in for me! They say that darkness, is just the absence of light. And 2018, all of the shadows,feelings/emotions I buried and even those I didn't know I had made their grand appearance. To say it was overwhelming would be a huge understatement. I was in a great amount of pain. I'm not sure if I can even describe the feeling to do it justice. I hit rock bottom and bounced. I can't say I'm 100% better now, that would be false. I'm still growing through it, still learning, still uncovering, still peeling back the layers. But what I can say is that rock bottom will teach you and show you things that the mountain top simply can not.